Power Tools # 1: Empathy

1. First Power Tool - Empathy

Empathy is one of the core power tools in relationships. It builds connection, whereas defensiveness builds disconnection. Where there is empathy, there is a bridge between two people. Where there is defensiveness, there is distance.

Many men, and some women, struggle with empathy. One of the main reasons for that is early conditioning. 

From a very young age, many were taught that it is not okay to feel a wide range of emotions. What was often allowed (for boys especially) was anger, happiness, and states like being hungry. But hungry, in fact, is not a feeling; it is a physical sensation. 

So already, there is confusion and limitation around what feelings actually are. Because of this, the development of empathy is interrupted very early on.

Where this needs to start is with permission. Permission to feel. Permission within oneself to experience a full range of emotions, not just the socially accepted ones. Empathy does not start with the partner; it starts within the self.

This means developing an emotional awareness and, importantly, an emotional language.

(Geoffrey Roberts / Feeling Wheel)

Many people simply do not have the vocabulary to name what is happening inside of them. And if I cannot name what I feel, I cannot process it, and I certainly cannot share it in a way that invites connection. So the first step is self-permission to feel.

The second step is developing an emotional language, being able to identify, differentiate, and name feelings. Not just “I’m angry” or “I’m fine,” but a much wider spectrum of internal experiences.

The third step is to practice expressing these feelings. And this is where it becomes relational. It is not enough to feel; we need to communicate. But the way we communicate matters. The language needs to be non-offensive, respectful, and ownership-based, rather than blaming or attacking

Only then can the fourth step happen: entering into communication with a partner and allowing them to feel.

And this is often where it becomes challenging again. Because if, as a child, I learned that some/ many feelings are dangerous, that I will be punished, ridiculed, or even humiliated for having them, then seeing my partner trying to express exactly these feelings can feel deeply threatening. It can feel overwhelming, even like a threat to survival. For some people, it can feel like death.

So allowing a partner to feel is not a small step. It requires internal safety, regulation, and practice.

But when both partners begin to give themselves permission to feel—and extend that same permission to each other, something shifts.

This is where empathy becomes possible.

And this is where connection begins.

Exercise: Permission to Feel

This exercise is about one thing: giving yourself permission to feel.

For many people, especially men, this is not natural. It may even feel uncomfortable, pointless, or unsafe. That’s okay. That is part of the process.

Slow Down and Check In

Take a moment and pause.

Sit somewhere quiet. No phone, no distractions. Just you.

Close your eyes if that feels okay, or soften your gaze.

Now ask yourself:

“What am I feeling right now?”

Not what you are thinking. Not what you should be feeling.

What you are actually feeling.

At first, your mind might go blank. Or you might say, “I don’t know.”

That’s completely normal.

Stay with it.

Move Beyond the Default Answers

If your first answer is:

• “I’m fine”

• “I’m just tired”  

• “I’m stressed”  

• “I’m angry”

  
  

Gently go one layer deeper.

Ask yourself:

“If anger wasn’t the only option, what else might be underneath?”

Is there:

• disappointment?

• hurt?

• fear?

• loneliness?

• pressure?

• shame?

This is where the feeling wheel can help. Use it to expand your language.

Refer to the feeling wheel above.

 Give Yourself Explicit Permission

Now comes the key step.

Say to yourself (silently or out loud):

“It is okay for me to feel this.”

Whatever is there—whether it makes sense or not.

You don’t have to fix it.

You don’t have to justify it.

You don’t have to act on it.

Just allow it.

If resistance comes up (e.g. “This is stupid” or “I shouldn’t feel this”), notice that too.

And say again:

“Even this is allowed.”

Stay With the Feeling

Bring your attention into your body.

Where do you feel it?

• chest?

• stomach?

• throat?

• shoulders?

Just notice.

Breathe into that area.

You are not trying to get rid of the feeling.

You are practicing being with it.

Start with 60–90 seconds. That’s enough.

Put It Into Words

Now complete this sentence:

“Right now, I feel…”

Use specific words if you can.

For example:

• “I feel disappointed and a bit rejected.”

• “I feel anxious and under pressure.”

• “I feel lonely, even though I’m with people.”

This is the beginning of emotional language.

Optional, Share It (Advanced Step)

If you feel ready, share one feeling with your partner using respectful language:

“I notice that I’m feeling… and I just wanted to share that with you.”

No blaming.

No fixing.

Just sharing.

Reflection

• What was easy about this exercise?

• What was difficult?

• Which feelings were hardest to name or allow?

• Did anything surprise you?

This exercise is simple, but not easy.

For many people, this is the first time they have ever been given permission to feel without judgment.

And this is where empathy begins.

For more help and support, contact me.